Chivalry needs to die

There’s a script for modern dating, which tends to go like this: a man is attracted to a woman, and he takes the lead. He approaches her, plans their outings, pays for everything and holds every door. She graciously accepts his attention and allows herself to be led. 

Chivalry, defined as men showing special courtesy, respect and protection towards women, is the source of this script.

Despite the many ways dating has modernized, chivalry isn’t dead. In fact, research on gendered dating reveals the endurance of conventional norms. Heterosexual women and men continue to desire and rely on a framework in which men lead. These expectations prevail despite broad changes to relationship formation with the introduction of hookup culture and online dating, alongside increased commitment to egalitarian relationships.

But chivalry is more than men treating women well — it actively reinforces traditional notions of masculinity and femininity. Claiming men owe women chivalrous behavior implies that women need men to do things for them. When a man is expected to provide protection, financial support and pursuit, women are pushed into a passive, submissive role.

“Think about a traditional first date,” sociology associate professor Mehdi Haghshenas said. “The man asks the woman out and chooses, for example, a restaurant, makes some reservation if he can afford it and then opens the door and pays for (the) deed. This action can certainly be very kind and generous, but it can also communicate something about who the man is. It shows that he is confident, capable, relatively generous and able to provide. He is masculine.”

Despite the fact that young people are often perceived to reject gender norms, their romantic expectations don’t necessarily align with these ideals. Women are significantly more likely to have doors held open for them. According to a survey of 552 heterosexual college students, about 80% of men expected they would pay on the first date, while just over half of women expected men to pay. Over 70% of young men say that men should protect women, and a similar share of young women agree. 

Women must recognize that their expectations are directly contributing to their own oppression, no matter how good it may feel when they’re met.

Vagdevi Meunier is a licensed clinical psychologist, and founder and executive director of the Center for Relationships. She argues that chivalry is an example of “benevolent sexism” — an attitude that appears superficially positive, but actually keeps women in a subordinate social status.

“Chivalry is a relational signal, right?” Meunier said. “Chivalry is also confined to men, not women. Nobody expects a woman to hold a door open or come around the car and open the door for the guy. They would, if they were watching, expect the guy to do that. But it turns out that that’s only something that most men and women expect in public.”

There’s nothing wrong with a man opening a door for a woman, paying for her meal or buying her flowers. However, one-sided chivalry breeds resentment and masks larger inequality. Acts of kindness should be reciprocal and rooted in affection, rather than transactional. 

When men and women restrict themselves to the gender expression that patriarchal norms prescribe, and perform them out of a sense of obligation, they’re robbing themselves of real connection.

“Even talking about chivalry is problematic, because it reinforces a very old notion of behavior that is performative,” Meunier said. “The question isn’t whether I open the door or who opens the door; it’s why. If we’re opening the door for each other … or because it’s an obligation. One will build intimacy and gratitude and affection in the relationship, but when it feels obligatory and performative, it’s actually going to erode intimacy in the relationship.”

Romanticizing chivalry is doing ourselves a disservice. Men deserve to experience the small acts of care they’re expected to perform for women, just as much as women deserve to be treated as equal partners rather than objects of performative affection. 

It may be new, seeing individuals deviate from the traditional script. Women are often ridiculed for proposing to their male partners, planning dates or acting as the breadwinner in their relationships. On the other hand, men may view receiving acts of chivalry as emasculating. What’s desirable to others may not be to you, but it’s important to reflect on why your expectations are what they are. Gender roles are ingrained in our worldview — but what’s expected of us may not be what we truly want, or need.

It’s essential that we approach relationships with reciprocity, vulnerability and a willingness to communicate our needs and desires. Ultimately, true romance starts with opening the door for each other.

Tuscano is a government junior from Round Rock, Texas.

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